Hayden Carruth, "Footnote to Suicide," Reluctantly

People who commit suicide and survive are defensive about it. Afterward they say either "I didn't mean to do it," signifying their savoir faire, or "I did mean to do it," signifying their seriousness. In either case they are uneasy. On one hand they don't want to be thought crazy; on the other they don't want to be thought frivolous or half-hearted. The latter is the case with me. I really meant it and when I arrived at the emergency room I was clinically dead. So when I refer to the event I always say that I committed suicide, not that I attempted suicide.